Tuesday, December 22, 2020

Holiday depression is real

 This will be the third year that I have gone without family, traditions and joy at the holiday season.  In 2018 right before the holidays I was given notice by my now ex wife that she was kicking me to the curb.  You see I had suffered sever head injuries in a motorcycle accident and then became partially blind due to cancer and was trying to pull myself together and regain focus.  Well, as a narcissist, she was incapable of seeing that I MIGHT be going through a rough patch, dealing with a scrambled brain, depression from finding out I had a rare and fatal form of cancer and losing an eye.  Instead of standing by 23 years of marriage, I got the added crap storm of a divorce issued the week of Thanksgiving.  

Keep in mind, I loved my ex and kids more than life itself and they were my motivation to stay alive and try to get better.  I tried my best to make this as easy as I could on them financially but it didn't matter.  The treatments, scans, followups and procedures that would have cost an arm and a leg were put off to ensure that we remained as "close to normal" as we could as I tried to recover.  It didn't matter and now I am seeing that I should have listened to others and put my health first because the end result was me being abandoned and my health worst off.  But I loved my ex and love my kids and I saw this as a grand gesture on my part to demonstrate my love for them as I tried to become once again who I was.

Now at the holidays I find it the most painful time of the year (fuck the happiest bullshit).  Do you know how painful it is to have every part of a holiday that the rest of the world find such joy in, absolutely destroy you inside?  Christmas movies, lights, presents, parties etc.. all remind me of a time that I will never in my life see again and that sucks.  I use to go all out for Christmas and take 2 weeks off during the holidays to ensure that I could get as much time with my family in as I could.  I would shower my ex and kids with gifts and ensure that there was never a time that they felt like the holidays weren't special.  

Holiday meals were always held at my parents house and we would go over on Christmas morning to open gifts with the rest of my family.  From what I have learned, the kids don't even participate in that anymore which I am sure is hard on my folks despite their attempts to cover it up.  I can't bring myself to drive back up because the memories would be too much.

Who knows, this year I could become just another holiday statistic.  Terrible thoughts run through my head and yeah it is scary at times but I try to push through.  To be honest, ever since I was kicked to the curb, my life has had no meaning or purpose.  The relationships, traditions, goals and future I use to have are all gone and at my age it is too late to start over.  This means to move forward in life that I have to learn to live with this pain on top of all of the other issues that I have to deal with and worry about.  I am tired of people telling me that I am strong and that you were a Marine, you can overcome anything.  The Marines teach you that in order to survive you need others and that you need to trust the people on your team.  What do you do when your team is gone?  

Anyways, happy holidays.....