This past week we attended the open house for our oldest daughters school. I am truly amazed at the Blue Valley school district and all of the programs they offer, one of which was Boy Scouts. As I was looking through all of the stuff I became very thankful that I have the opportunity to give my kids a decent education and to get them involved with as many activities as they would like.
At the same time I was thinking the thought of an East Side KCMO Boy Scout troop cracked me up. Can you imagine being a Boy Scout in the East Side? From there I began to think of how one would have to adapt the scouting program to fit the East Side environment and I came up with a list of merit badges that every kid needs to survive in the East side.
Here are 20 actual merit badges that I have altered to better assist the poor bastards in the East Side. After all, everyone should have a chance to become a scout.
1. Fire Starting - How to set a vacant on fire
2. Ghetto Survival (formerly Nature Survival)- Spend the night alone on Prospect with nothing but a dime bag and .22
3. Orienteering - Ability to navigate through gang territories without getting shot
4. Cooking - The art of frying bologna and cooking "lake trout"
5. Environmental Science - Recycling of shell casings and catching of stray dogs.
6. First Aid - Treatment of gunshot and knife wounds. The art of driving yourself to the hospital when shot.
7. Shooting - Both Drive and walk by shootings will be taught.
8. Family life - How to survive with no father in the household while being a welfare recipient.
9. Auto Mechanics - Learn everything from hot wiring a car to putting spinners on a pinto.
10. Entrepreneurship - Ability to set up a drug corner, employ a staff of lookouts and runners while turning a 100% profit.
11. Graphic Art - Spray painting of overpasses, street signs, sides of buildings and rail road cars.
12. American Culture - Get brainwashed into believing that the "white man" hates you.
13. Dentistry - How to make your own platinum grill.
14. Disability Awareness - How to claim Social Security before the age of 21
15. Electronics - What to steal and what to leave.
16. Electricity - How to light a house from the neighbors outlet and how to hide the extension cords.
17. Lifesaving - This will be replaced with Life Taking.
18. Metal work - How to construct your own shank
19. Plant Science - Growing your own weed
20. Crime Prevention - Stop Snitchin
I can't wait to see the KCMO school district implement this!
