EAST SIDE MERIT BADGES

This past week we attended the open house for our oldest daughters school. I am truly amazed at the Blue Valley school district and all of the programs they offer, one of which was Boy Scouts. As I was looking through all of the stuff I became very thankful that I have the opportunity to give my kids a decent education and to get them involved with as many activities as they would like.

At the same time I was thinking the thought of an East Side KCMO Boy Scout troop cracked me up. Can you imagine being a Boy Scout in the East Side? From there I began to think of how one would have to adapt the scouting program to fit the East Side environment and I came up with a list of merit badges that every kid needs to survive in the East side.

Here are 20 actual merit badges that I have altered to better assist the poor bastards in the East Side. After all, everyone should have a chance to become a scout.

1. Fire Starting - How to set a vacant on fire

2. Ghetto Survival (formerly Nature Survival)- Spend the night alone on Prospect with nothing but a dime bag and .22

3. Orienteering - Ability to navigate through gang territories without getting shot

4. Cooking - The art of frying bologna and cooking "lake trout"

5. Environmental Science - Recycling of shell casings and catching of stray dogs.

6. First Aid - Treatment of gunshot and knife wounds. The art of driving yourself to the hospital when shot.

7. Shooting - Both Drive and walk by shootings will be taught.

8. Family life - How to survive with no father in the household while being a welfare recipient.

9. Auto Mechanics - Learn everything from hot wiring a car to putting spinners on a pinto.

10. Entrepreneurship - Ability to set up a drug corner, employ a staff of lookouts and runners while turning a 100% profit.

11. Graphic Art - Spray painting of overpasses, street signs, sides of buildings and rail road cars.

12. American Culture - Get brainwashed into believing that the "white man" hates you.

13. Dentistry - How to make your own platinum grill.

14. Disability Awareness - How to claim Social Security before the age of 21

15. Electronics - What to steal and what to leave.

16. Electricity - How to light a house from the neighbors outlet and how to hide the extension cords.

17. Lifesaving - This will be replaced with Life Taking.

18. Metal work - How to construct your own shank

19. Plant Science - Growing your own weed

20. Crime Prevention - Stop Snitchin

I can't wait to see the KCMO school district implement this!

QUICK HITS - Kansas City Sucks edition

Stories in the news regarding our overall suckiness

1. YRC sucks

2. Royals Suck

3. Chiefs Suck

4. Wizards Suck

5. Cyclist Suck

6. Traffic Sucks

7. Weather sucks

8. Mayor Sucks Courtesy of TKC

9. Airport Changes Suck

10. Mayor Sucks again

THE WIRE - Weekend Review

What a weird weekend.

1. This is indeed a rare crime. It appears that even if you are fortunate enough to have a bank account while living in the East Side your still screwed. I do like how he asked her to take out $500. Did he not know what neighborhood he was in?

2. Never take a sword to a knife fight. Dumb ass.

3. Next time your kid acts up give it the East Side treatment.

4. 2 shot in the East Side Saturday night. Where is Joe Clark with his baseball bat when you need him?

5. Don't jack with women in Lenexa. The cops don't really like that.

6. Dead bodies in KCK are like pennies in the streets of JOCO. I hope that dough boy and Trey got Rickey's football back after finding him.

7. Missouri residents are trying to lure JOCO kids over the internet. When will Missouri clean up its act and just leave us alone?

8. KCK bank robbed... I hope the robbers enjoy the roll of quarters they got out of the vault.

9. KCPD is cooking the stats.......... Imagine how crappy they would be if they were honest.

10. 39th street is dropping bodies, WERD!

THE RETURN OF JOHNNY DRAMA

Do not forget that Entourage returns on the 7th

QUICK HITS

TOP TEN STORIES FOR YOU (THE UNINFORMED) TO READ TODAY.

1. Oprah hates white women. I KNEW IT!

2. The ice cream in Chihuahua City might be tainted. Unless of course you like eating human skulls.

3. This guy MIGHT be going to hell.

4. When did Lohan become a lesbian? Kudos to her, I look forward to the video.

5. Plot to kill Bush halted.

6. Just as I predicted, Palin is more popular than Barry.

7. EU hancho thinks that you environmental wackos are well wacko.

8. McCain speech attracts more viewers than Barry Christ Superstars.

9. The only smart homes in KCK are the ones never built.

10. KCMO loses more jobs. At least your kids are getting a quality education and your streets are safe...

THE WIRE

Another slow night in the metro due to the weather. Can local news departments cancel their broadcast due to weather?

1. Now this could be interesting. Imagine drive bye shootings being done with bow & arrow... Now that would require some skill.

2. Payday loans are never in good neighborhoods so who cares if they get robbed?

3. The brilliant officers of the Columbia, Mo police department have finally ruled that the body of a woman found in the trunk of a car was murder. WELL NO CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This weekends over/under is set at 5. For the first time I may take the under unless the weather clears up.

HIP HOP FLASH BACK

REDMAN, BETTER THAN ANYTHING OUT TODAY.

TOP TEN WAYS TO SPOT A PRODUCT OF KCMO SCHOOL SYSTEM

Since it is back to school time I thought that it would be important for you to be able to recognize products of the KCMO school district. This will enable you poor bastards who pay for these places of uneduction to see where your money is going.

1. Commodity trading involves glass bottles, aluminum cans and copper piping

2. Spells food wrong on "will work for food sign"

3. 40 years old and studying for the GED test

4. In line at city union mission with a T - Shirt that says "Class of 2010"

5. Gets a raise when minimum wage goes up

6. Financial skills are limited to knowing the dollar exchange rate on food stamps

7. From school bus pass to Metro bus pass

8. Phrase most commonly said "May I take your order please"

9. 2nd most commonly said phrase "Get the F*** out of your car"

10. People that think the crossroads district is cool

FUNNY

I normally don't post this type of stuff on the blog but this is too freaking funny. Call 603-413-4133.
(the photo above has nothing to do with the number)

TO QUOTE VINCE VAUGHN

THIS CHICK IS MONEY! That was the best speech since Reagan I have seen at a Republican convention. Liberal wacko women haters need to beware...... She destroyed, let me say this again, absolutely destroyed Barry and his lack of qualifications and his socialist agenda.

QUICK HITS

TOP TEN STORIES THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT TODAY.

1. Cheating is genetic in men according to scientist. Were these just male scientist looking to create a get out of jail card?

2. Big Brother begins tracking your weight. Here comes the Fat Tax.

3. The worst Mayor since dumb ass Berry is finally going to quit. The problem will be finding someone with less of a criminal pass than this guy in Detroit (where you can buy a house for $1).

4. American soldiers invade Pakistani caves. Question, would you rather live in a Pakistani Cave or live on KCMO's East Side?

5. Drunk doctor tries to give woman an epidural. Men are always trying to take advantage of women when they are drunk.

6. This guy decided to try and run over 3 women that turned him down. Does Hearnes Christopher have a drivers license? If so westport could get even more dangerous.

7. No report yet on Polar Bills Killed in action.

8. Will Reverend Wright blame the CIA for injecting AIDS into ancient Rome?

9. Nothing says safety more than riding a bus with a lost driver in Brooklyn for 5 hours.

10. Wacko Liberal (aren't they all) caught planning attack on RNC.

THE WIRE

With the rain, wind and cool temperatures you knew that last night would be nearly silent in the Metro.

1. Despite the elements the North East was able to come through for the rest of the metro with a shooting at 1:30am. I know, weird that someone got shot in that neighborhood at that time of night....

2. Abandoned KCK duplex burns. Arson anyone?

3. Thieves have no limits. Obviously these copper thieves enter our county from KCK or KCMO.

4. Only in KCMO will you find a thief that would steal newports and whiskey to cover court costs.

Todays over/under on shootings will stay at 2

KU PLAYERS TRANSITIONING INTO NBA LIFE

Just fine. The fact that these guys are all ready smoking hippie lettuce means that they will be big stars in the NBA.

OBAMA THE LIAR

THE WIRE

What better way to salute crime in the city than to rename my crime segment "The Wire". The daily shooting Over/Under will be posted in this section as well.

1. KCMO residents that can't afford guns and grenades still find ways to represent their hood. Stabbing on Independence Avenue.

2. The name "Inner City Oil" doesn't exactly sound like a safe place. If he were still alive you could ask this poor bastard that was jumped and killed by 3 men last night in KCK.

3. KCMO crime spreads to Lee's Summit. These guys however should get a medal for preventing the opening of yet another coffee house.

4. Keep Burning KCMO, nobody is paying any attention to it anyways.

5. Could you imagine filing a complaint about Mohammad the cab driver? The cab companies roster has to have a minimum of 100 drivers named Mohammad. Anyways it appears that this Mohammad liked to forcibly exchange sex for cab fare. Good news for prostitutes looking to catch a ride to Johns house.

6. Aren't banks having enough problems right now?

7. Residents near Bannister Mall take on cops.

Todays over/under on getting shot: 2. The weather may prevent crime today.